It’s that time of year again. The season of giving and spirit and spending and super cheesy jewelry commercials that make even the greatest of guys look like total jerks. This also means that Festivus is upon us. Festivus means the airing of grievances. And boy did 2011 give me some serious grievances to air.
10. Angry comediennes kvetching about the asinine.
You can only say vagina in a monologue so many times before it loses its shock value. Once we get past that, we realize there’s no actual content value left over. The off-color, profanity filled crap being spewed doesn’t compensate for a complete lack of material. Related: Thank goodness for Tina Fey and Mindy Kaling.
9. Guys in skinny jeans
I’m wondering why this trend hasn’t died yet, but I really wish it would. I’m not sure if it’s the guys who wear them or if it’s the effect they have, but generally speaking, the guys who wear skinny jeans are almost guaranteed to look sickly. Here’s my advise if you’re one of these guys: STOP IT. No one wants to see your junk, because that’s the only thing anyone thinks of when they see you wearing them. And it’s not in a good way.
8. Public Lazy-wear
I’m looking at you, Pajama Jeans. Snuggies, Slankets, Hoodie Footies.. sure, they all scream “I’ve given up on ever having sex again,” but they typically don’t leave the privacy of your own couch. Pajama Jeans? They’re a loud message to the world that you’ve given up on life. And believe me- I’m not above going out in public in my yoga pants, but I wear them loud & proud. Pajama Jeans are like going out with a whimper. A very (read noticeably) loud whimper.
7. Belieber attacks on Twitter
We get it. You’re
infatuated obsessed with an unattainable public figure. 1. You don’t have an ice cubes chance in hell with the guy. 2. If you put this much energy into legitimately important causes, the world might take your generation seriously. So calm down, and think of it this way: the people you rain your hate on are that much less competition.
I’ll admit, they can be done well, typically by being form fitting on top with a wide leg. Unfortunately, they often aren’t done well, and it just gets kinda sad to see. On top of that, it’s really disappointing to discover that perfect, boho, patterned maxi-dress on the hanger actually has legs.
5. Harem Pants
Or as we called them in African dance, monkey pants. These are awful, but it seems like they’re just on the verge of taking off. I hope this isn’t the case. I have a hard time recognizing a difference between these atrocities and hammer pants, and we all know what happened to hammer pants. If you don’t know what happened to hammer pants, go look at a picture of someone you know wearing them back in the 80’s and try not to laugh.
4. Jeggings and Leggings as Pants
It seems like most of this list is a rundown of this years style mishaps, doesn’t it? Anyway, I refer to a very specific type of jegging, because for the most part, these are much easier to wear than skinny jeans are (due to the liberal stretchiness). I’m specifically talking about the denim patterns being printed on nylon/lycra/spandex. It looks as cheap as it is and everyone can tell. Trust me.
Furthermore, leggings are not pants. We know your crotch is covered, but we can still see everything going on beneath that often much too sheer covering. Wear a long tunic, wear a mini-skirt, wear ACTUAL PANTS, but please don’t force your hoo-hah on us. It ain’t fittin’. It just ain’t fittin’.
3. Platform athletic shoes
The fact that Reebok faced litigation and reached a settlement about the claims used in their marketing for Easytone and Runtone shoes speaks volumes in this matter, but if you’re unaware of what’s going on, let me break it down for you. I’m all for products that can ENHANCE your efforts, but they’re not going to do it for you. And holy crap, do the Skechers look ridiculous. They’re up there on the ugly list with Crocs. I’m a girl who LOVES her shoes, but these are abominations and I’m pretty sure Salvatore Ferragamo has been flipping in his grave since these became popular.
2. 3D for the sake of 3D
Mind you, I don’t watch movies in 3D 1. because I’m cheap like that and 2. because they make me WAY nauseous and it’s just not worth it to feel like things are flying at my face if I end up feeling like something else will fly out of it. What I have seen in 2D that was intended for 3D has had some pretty ridiculous moments of 3D pandering, just to make people jump. It feels like there’s a lot of quality sacrifice going on just for the sake of thrill factor, and it’s really not worth it. I mean, yes, action movies are enhanced by it, sometimes thrillers, but kids movies like Gnomeo and Juliet? Really. If it doesn’t enhance the story, then just don’t do it.
1. All things Kardashian
Kris Humphries said it best. “No one will probably care about you. Let’s be honest.” (in reference to what might happen to her “career” after they have kids). I don’t know what this family is famous for, but the whole life for sale thing is getting really old. I’d say it’s laughable, but really, it must be terribly sad not to have privacy, or anything just for yourself. However, that’s a choice they’ve made. I just wish I could check out at the grocery store without it being shoved in my face.
So that’s it. This is how I’ve been disappointed by 2011. If my list isn’t enough for you, check out the hashtag on Twitter (#airingofgrievances), or leave a comment and tell me how you’ve been disappointed this year.