Happy Festivus, everyone. It’s a day of.. well.. okay, so for me it’s a day at the office where I get to sit anxiously and wait to go blow my bonus on shelving at Ikea. However, it is also a day of celebration for the sake of celebration, without the frills of commercialism and standard holiday pressures. If you don’t know the story of Festivus, I’m not here to tell you (and you obviously weren’t a Seinfeld fan.. but then again, neither was I. I just liked the concept.). But I am here to share one of it’s most sacred traditions: The Airing of Grievances.

The Westboro Baptist Church

These people have to be that recurring zit on the end of God’s nose. Except that zit would also be a sociopath with a serious lack of basic cognitive skills.

But seriously, they genuinely and fervently believe that American deaths in Iraq are God’s way of punishing American’s for the sin of homosexuality.

WHAT?!

Yeah. Because homosexuality is exclusively American. Clearly.

That and there is nothing tackier than protesting a funeral. The only thing that it does is show people how batshit crazy you are. And yes, WBC. Your congregation as a whole and as individuals are batshit crazy.

Wikileaks

I’m all for free speech. I’m all for the freedom of press. But I’m also all for the assurance that something I believe to be confidential will remain confidential. If I go through the trouble of protecting something I’ve said, I’d damn well better not see it all over the damn internet.

Mind you, the things I like keeping confidential in my life are inconsequential to anyone else- I just like my privacy in certain matters. Government on the other hand.. sure, you can mistrust the government all you want, but certain things are confidential for the sake of security and diplomacy. I mean, there are a lot of people in the world that aren’t fans of the good ol’ US of A. Calling Dmitri Medvledev the Robin to Vladmir Putin’s Batman doesn’t help our cause, y’all. And yes, we may be a huge superpower, but there is strength in our allies as well. And frankly, we have some diplomatic allies whom it would behoove us NOT to piss off.

So sure, wave your flags for freedom of speech, but seriously, I find nothing wrong with keeping private matters private.

People Who Are Rude to Customer Support Reps

Part of my job is client retention. Sometimes, that can be really tough. It can also be tough to stay on the phone, much less keep my voice down when someone could give Mel Gibson a run for his money with the obscenities they’re spewing. In fact, once obscenities start, my calls end. I’ll warn you once as a courtesy, and after that, our call is officially over.

Anyway, as a general rule, be nice to the people you expect to do something for you. I understand that if you’re on the phone with someone, they don’t necessarily seem like they’re real people. For all you might care, we’re just disembodied voices on a machine reading off a script.

Rest assured, I don’t have a script. I’m a human being. I eat, sleep and breathe, and sometimes I even feel real emotions. It’s pretty cool.

Basically, what I’m saying is help me help you. And do yourself a favor; be nice about it. It will make both of our experiences significantly better. Yeah, it feels good to go off on people, but if it’s because they can’t change an entire corporate policy, suck it up and don’t ruin the messenger’s day.

Bitches Lookin’ at Me Crazy-Like When I Say I Want a Natural Birth

Seriously? MY BIRTH. Not yours. I’m not forcing a natural birth on you, nor am I trying to shove it down your throat. It’s not like you’re going to feel the pain, so get over it. And don’t say “haha, okay, we’ll see once it’s happening.” Screw you. I have faith in my body. You don’t know my pain threshold. And sure, I might change my mind, but in the meantime, don’t be a judgmental asshole and act like you know my body better than I do, ESPECIALLY if you have a penis. Sure, birth isn’t pleasant (at least not for most people), but it’s not something I’m afraid of. It’s something my body was built to do.

Okay, let me put it this way. Arachnophobia isn’t completely irrational (to an extent). Some spiders can bite, they’re creepy-crawly, and generally unpleasant by some people’s standards. However, it doesn’t mean that I should pee myself every time I see one. I’m not afraid of spiders, and call me an asshole, but when I see one, I grab a shoe or tissue and kill it. So leave me to my coping mechanisms, I’ll leave you to yours.

So this is how I have been disappointed in general this year. You can check out my Twitter feed or the hashtag stream of the #airingofgrievances for more nuggets of grievancy goodness and feel free to air your own grievances in the comments!

And if you need someone to kill a spider for you, let me know.